The day that my wife, Jamie, and I found out that she had a miscarriage, we also had our two older boys with us. Jamie had gone in for a routine ultrasound appointment and we decided to bring our two boys along so they could see the baby moving inside of mom. We had decided that Jamie should go in alone, just in case. We didn't want the boys in there if anything did go wrong. When a nurse came out and said that she would sit with the boys and that I needed to go in right away, I feared the worst. Sure enough, when I got in there, the doctor regretfully informed us that our baby had died.
What was supposed to be a very happy day sharing a very memorable moment turned into a day with the most intense sorrow I have experienced thus far. Not only did Jamie and I lose a child, but we also had to figure out how to share our grief with our two boys.
The hospital was nice enough to give us a spare office where they brought the boys in by us. Tearfully we told them that the baby had died. They were 5 and 2 at the time, so we told them in terms that they would understand. We told them, "Baby isn't with us anymore. Jesus decided that he wanted to take the baby before we could meet him. So he's with Jesus now. We're sad, but we know that Jesus will help us with this." Then we prayed. We kept it short. We kept it simple. We allowed them to see our grief. We comforted them. They comforted us. It was a bonding moment for us, even though it was one I don't care to repeat.
Many families face this type of issue, whether it's a death of a family member, friend or pet. Here are a number of things to consider when sharing grief with your children:
1. Share how you feel. They can sense when we're hurting. Don't cover it up. Instead, use it as a teachable moment to demonstrate how death hurts, but it doesn't leave us as Christians hopeless.
2. Share with them the hope of Jesus. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, "13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." Jesus brings us hope like no other because of the fact that death could not contain Him. He's the only One who has ever predicted His own death and resurrection and then pulled it off! He died and rose again to save us from death, not only death that ends our life here but also death for all the years that would never end in hell. That's hope that only Jesus brings.
That gives us a hope to share with our children. When our loved ones die in faith in Jesus, we know that we will see them again. So when our children have to bury friends or grandmas and grandpas, they have the hope that they will see them again in heaven by faith in Jesus. We want to reassure them of that fact. We want to make every opportunity to remind them of Jesus' promise in John 11:25-26.
3. Don't wait to tell them. This is especially important if our children are older. They may find out through another source. We want to be able to tell them on our terms, not someone else's. Not to mention, it's less of a shock if they hear it from us.
4. Answer their questions. Some children will take us at our word and not ask much. Others will ask many questions, some of which we may be unprepared to answer. Like, what happens when a person dies? Give them age appropriate information. If you're unsure what to say, tell them. Then do some research or ask a trusted friend who may know. Then give them an informed answer.
5. Cherish the memories. Some of the greatest advice I received when I was grieving the death of my grandma and grandpa who died within three months of each other was this: "Cherish the memories you have. They are a gift from God. Don't think about what could have been. But instead, think about what will be when you get to see them again." That's great advice that has stuck with me all these years. When a loved one dies and our children are sad, it's a great thing to talk about the memories. That helps ease the pain. More importantly, it gives us a great opportunity to point ahead to the hope of heaven, where we will enjoy an eternity of memories!
It's never easy to talk about death with our children, especially when we are hurting. Just remember, it's a golden opportunity to point them to the love and hope of Jesus.
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